


Gone

by mochaaaa



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Basically, Character Death, Crying Dean Winchester, Depressed Dean Winchester, Episode: s14e08 Byzantium, Episode: s14e10 Nihilism, First Kiss, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Love Confessions, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not the happy fix it we deserve im sorry, References Deans alcohol issues, Sad Ending, Spoilers, The Empty takes Cas after Dean and Cas finally get their shit together, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This was gonna be happy, What Have I Done, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, again its more referenced than anything, almost, i missed it, i'm not crying you're crying, oh look its already 3 am, they were so close, two fics in like two weeks after a year and a half of nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 05:34:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17482184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochaaaa/pseuds/mochaaaa
Summary: (WARNING: SPOILERS)Cas grabbed Dean by his flannel shirt, and kissed him.He tried to put everything he was feeling into it. It seemed to work, as Dean did the same thing.It was a harsh, passionate kiss. Like in those movies, where the girl is about to get on the train, and never come back, and the sad music plays.It was a goodbye kiss.And this was no movie."When you finally give yourself permission to be happy and let the sun shine on your face, that's when I'll come.That's when I'll come to drag you to nothing."





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like I had to write something after all this angst we got. I truly meant for this to be nice and sweet, but... This came to mind instead.  
> I'm sorry. (Obv the line quoted in the summary and quotes in the story are not my own, they're from Byzantium. Just clarifying so there is no Trouble whatsoever :) )

 

  _Oh, but not now._

_No, no, no, no, no._

_No, you see, I-I meant what I said._

_I-I want you to suffer._

_I want you to go back to - to your normal life and - and forget about this and forget about me._

  _And - And then, when you finally give yourself permission to be happy and let the sun shine on your face, that's when I'll come._

_That's when I'll come to drag you to nothing._

 
    
    
      
    
      
    
      
    
    

Somehow, they'd done it.

They'd beaten Michael. At least, for now.

Castiel was glad that they'd averted his plan, of course. Thousands of people were saved, and a potential apocalypse was stopped. As always.

But, Dean…

Well, Dean wasn't okay. Not in the slightest. And there was nothing Cas could do but watch.

For ten years, the Angel had done everything he could possibly do, had given everything he could possibly give- including his life- to protect Dean Winchester. And now?

Michael was destroying Dean from the inside out, like a parasite. And Cas was powerless.

He knew he had to be strong, for Sam, for Jack- for Dean.

That didn't mean it wasn't tormenting his conscious. Quite frankly, Cas was terrified.

Dean, as per usual, pretended that he was fine. He smiled, he laughed, he drank his beer.

Cas assumed that Sam and Jack hadn't seen Dean flinch every other minute.

Michael was screaming in Dean's head, and had been for every second since they had locked him away.

Eventually, Sam retired to the library to see if they'd missed anything. After that, Jack figured he should get some rest if he wanted to be productive the next day. (Cas pretended not to notice as Jack stealthily snatched a cereal box as he departed.)

Now, they were alone.

And Dean kept drinking. Cas really didn't drink, because it took quite a lot to have any effect on him. But, the last thing he wanted to do was make Dean drink alone right now.

"Dean," Cas started.

Dean just raised his hand. "Don't even worry, Cas. 'M good."

Cas, however, had heard this lie from Dean probably hundreds of times.

He shifted closer to Dean, trying to meet his eyes.

"No, you're not. You see, I know you, Dean. You do this every time. Every single time, you hide your pain. Whether it's Hell, or the Mark…" He trailed off, trying to contain his emotions.

Dean put his drink down, and sighed. His hands were trembling, Cas noticed. Even in the silence, Dean was wincing continuously.

"What the Hell else am I supposed to do, here, Cas? Go to therapy? You've been in my fucking head. You know what I've gone through. If I ever make the mistake of processing it, I make sure I wake up the next morning with half a bottle of whiskey in my hand. I have to keep going. I always do, because that's my job." Dean stopped sharply, realizing how loud and upset he was getting. He then looked over at Cas.

"Don't waste your time worrying about me, man. I'll make it through."

Cas didn't know what to say. After all the two of them had been through, and here Dean was telling him to not worry about him.

"I'm sorry, if you haven't noticed, that's kind of my job. If you think I'd be so inclined as to sit here and watch you silently waste away, you are mistaken, Dean. For eons, I thought I understood humanity so well. Why you do what you do, what's important to you. I thought I'd understood everything. And then I met you."

The hunter stared, wide-eyed, not quite knowing what Cas was getting at.

"I may have been a powerful Angel, who led a garrison of thousands, but I look back now, and…"

Castiel met Dean's gaze.

"I would rather die than go back to that. I would rather die than not be here, with Sam, and Jack, and you. You are my family. So, please, Dean, talk to me."

Dean looked distressed, but Cas also saw something else. Dean looked tired.

Cas had always been able to see it in his eyes. Dean was so beautiful, and yet, he carried so much pain. So much fear.

But right then, Dean's eyes looked old. Not like an elderly human's eyes, no- he had the eyes of a being who had went through centuries of torment.

Cas supposed Dean had.

Dean's eyes then panickedly searched for some way to escape this situation. His razor sharp fight or flight instinct was kicking in.

Unable to find a viable option, he rubbed his face with his hand in resignation.

"I don't know what to do, Cas. He won't stop, and I can't even think-" Dean's voice cracked on the last few syllables. Cas' heart broke.

"We'll fix it, Dean. I promise you. And when we do, Michael will pay." Cas shifted to fully face Dean now.

"I promise," He repeated.

Dean raised his right hand, and gingerly stuck out his pinky.

"Pinky promise?" His mouth curved up at the end.

Cas smiled, and wrapped his own pinky around Dean's.

"I pinky promise."

Dean almost let out a small sigh of a laugh.

They sat for a few more minutes, quietly drinking. Cas didn't know if he should say anything else. Before he could, Dean spoke up again.

"Cas, y'know that all that shit he said… you know it wasn't true, right?"

Dean was looking at him gently, like Cas was the fragile one right now.

"I wouldn't blame you if it was true," Cas stated.

"I've been nothing but a burden to you for years, Dean. No matter what I do, I just make everything worse, it seems. You'd be better off without me getting in your way."

"That's not true," Dean interjected.

"Man, all of us have massively fucked up at one point or another. It happens. I mean, we've made it this far."

"Well, I wonder what's on the other side of the finish line,' Cas murmured, bemused.

"That's up to you, Cas."

Dean was looking at him like…  
No, he couldn't have meant it like that.

Cas' face asked the question, and Dean's face gave the answer.

"Dean, you mean..."

"Us," Dean stuttered.

Dean wanted him too. 

The look Dean had was so hopeful, but so uncertain.

"Dean, I…"

The disappoint on Dean's face hit Cas like a wave. Oh. Wait, no. Dean though Cas was rejecting him.

In reality, Cas simply knew what would happen.

Once he became happy, truly happy…

Once he let the sun shine on his face…

He couldn't do that to Dean. He had to tell him.

Cas realized he couldn't tell Dean about the deal if he was walking away, though. He got up, and started to go for Dean's wrist.

"Dean!"

He turned around, yanking his arm away, afraid of salt being thrown into the wound.

"Cas, spare me the "it's not you, it's me" thing, please. I get it. It was my fault for putting myself out there, right?" He started to head for his room, planning on drinking himself comatose for about 5 years. Or maybe forever.

"Listen to me, please."

Dean gave him a waiting look, hoping for some sort of explanation. Cas took a deep breath.

"Bringing Jack back wasn't sacrifice-free."

"Cas," Dean gasped, fear building in his stomach. This was exactly what he was afraid of after Jack came back. This could not be happening.

There was no turning back now. "In exchange for bringing him back, I told the Empty to take me. But, it told me it would wait to do so." He pulled off the band-aid. Cas simply could not avoid it forever.

Dean looked like his world was falling apart right in front of him.

"It would wait? For what?"

"For me to be happy."

"Oh," Dean croaked. "No, there's gotta be some way, Cas..."

Cas kept going. "I figured that wouldn't happen any time soon. But, now, I have to say no to… exactly what would make me happy," Cas shifted closer to Dean, and grabbed his limp hand. He intertwined their fingers.  
Tears prickled his eyes.

Dean looked up at him.  
Cas had a flash of a memory appear- it was the moment Lucifer appeared behind him, and stabbed him. He saw Dean's face for just an instant, but it was imprinted in his memory. He almost heard a phantom-like yell, and recognized it from Dean's memories.  
It was the same exact facial expression he wore now.  
Dean already looked like he had lost Cas.

He instantly felt guilty. Why would he put that on Dean? Why right now, when he's already going through so much? Now, Dean will be worried about him. But he figured he had nothing else to lose at this point.

Cas grabbed Dean by his flannel shirt, and kissed him.

He tried to put everything he was feeling into it. It seemed to work, as Dean did the same thing.

It was a harsh, passionate kiss. Like in those movies, where the girl is about to get on the train, and never come back, and the sad music plays.

It was a goodbye kiss.

And this was no movie.

Dean pulled Cas in closer by his hair, unrelenting.

The inside of Dean's mouth offered some solace and distraction for several minutes. Cas felt freer than he ever had.

Unfortunately, they had to part.

Cas felt hot tears on his face, and it took him a minute to realize they were not his.

"Cas, please, don't do this to me, please. I need you, I-" Dean choked up, and let out a sob.

"I love you."

Cas' heart was flew out of his chest at that. Dean admitted that he loved him. That's all he ever-

He opened his mouth to respond, but couldn't get out more than "Dean, I-".

That's when it took him.

Just like that.

Gone, as though he was never there in the first place.

Leaving Dean, alone, in the hallway.

He collapsed onto his knees, stunned and sobbing.

 

_I accept._

**Author's Note:**

> the very end is a nod to the infamous end scene of the doctor who episode, Doomsday. I couldn't help it! 
> 
> I'm in the process of re-reading this over and over and changing mostly minor details, so it might be better later if you read it again in like 2 hours or something lmao
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope this was just right on the heaviness! I normally don't even read these kinds of fics bc they make me too sad. It just came together though, in the end.
> 
> As always, i wrote this very quickly on my cellphone and very late at night, so if theres any issues, id love to know lol!
> 
> edit 8/8/19: thanks for the kudos and hits! this is honestly probably my favorite fic i have. i feel its the most well written. i read it again and got myself w the ending! man! lets hope the show ends happier than this :(


End file.
